The 50/50 Divide

A marriage is supposed to be 50/50 right?  Someone once told me that a marriage is 70/40 depending on the day?  Even though I no longer speak to this person (that's another story), I am finding that more and more each day - this is so ABSOLUTELY true!


50/50 that's simple division right?  Division - the taking of a whole and "separating" it out?
50/50, that's a Divorce!  Think about it...in a Divorce a partner (usually the wife) asks for half, 50/50.  Half the money, half the assets, half of whatever they can get?  so how can a marriage (a union) be the same?

I find myself constantly battling (mostly internally, since no one seems to hear me) the demon of "equality". Not equality in voting, equality in jobs - I mean just simple equal share of cleaning, taking care of the kids, maybe a pet or two and just your run of the mill "pitching in" before I "pitch a fit" type stuff.  Am I wrong? Am I the only one who fights this demon?

Don't get me wrong - the hubby helps out.  It just seems he helps out more after I have to have some type of mental breakdown or be on the verge of losing of my mind.  I have had to keep a jar with notes in it reminding me that "Yes he does do things, that I need to pay attention to".

With this being said - Today I felt my "anger" monster coming up and rearing its ugly head for it's Broadway Review.  You know the typical scene, you come home from work (tired and annoyed - just one of those days), hubby's day off (well mine anyway), dishes from last night are still in the sink, 9 year old running around in his boxers with the food he was supposed to eat being eaten by the cat, homework thrown all over the desk but it's not done...22 year old daughter lying in "deaths grip" or so she says, hanging off a chair in dramatic poise, laundry in both the dryer and the washer....while said hubby is on the couch playing a video game?  He is such a sexy beast!

Do you:

A: Freak the hell out and become tomorrow's headline "Husband found with playstation controller shoved......" or
B:  Curl up in a ball in the corner staring blankly out in the open whilst chanting "I'm a lucky girl"....or
C. Just do it all yourself?

Well tonight C was the route I took....This is how the night played out...

Mom (in case you were wondering, that is me)
Mom comes home finds "hot mess" everywhere...Mom starts dinner, gives 9 year old lecture on why he did not tell the truth about his assignment that the teacher emailed mom about...listens to 9 years old rendition of a respectable reason for lying with the undying promises to never do it again...
Mom sends child off to do homework...Mom goes and finishes dinner...Mom finally changes clothes...Mom pays attention to 22 year old daughter (still in deaths grip)  and gives her best Dr. Mom she could....Mom serves dinner....Mom does get to eat dinner...Mom reads book to child....gives oldest child meds...Mom makes sure everyone is off to bed (Hubby needed no prodding for this one)...Mom goes and cleans kitchen, does dishes, preps her lunch for tomorrow (as mom will always be on a diet)...Mom finds laundry in both washer/dryer and attends to it...Mom walks past sleeping dad and contemplates the things she would do if she would not be arrested...Then Mom writes blog to keep her from losing her mind!!!!!!

So why I am driving you crazy with all of this?  Because I found myself thinking about what my non-friend told me years and years ago...Marriage is not 50/50 nor should it be...there are going to be days where it is 70/30, 60/40 and 80/20 but 50/50 it will never be...Remember 50/50 is for divorce - division and separation.  You will have days where you pull more weight and there will be days he will.  We are not capable of being absolutely even on any given day.. We are affected by our environment, how work was, how we are feeling, and just life in general.  We are human, we forget things (even with the best of intentions), we procrastinate, we stall and we mean well all at the same time.

The next time your "anger monster" is up for their debut, remind yourself that being part of a relationship is give and take but it's okay that it is not split straight down the middle - a split is not a union!

Now off you go! Tomorrow is yet another day to keep from strangling your family, I mean hugging them ever so tightly!

The Screamin' Demon

Funny Picture? Not really...

This picture represents what your man constantly thinks you are doing to him. I find that no matter how much we (as women) try to "talk" or "discuss" things that may bother us, our men cannot get away from this image in their brains?  It seems that every time a woman opens her mouth to voice an opinion, make a statement or for that matter make an attempt at a joke - we receive the same response? A withdrawn male who either strikes at you (even though you have not struck first) or a man who just dismisses, rolls his eyes (oh yes ladies men roll their eyes perhaps more than we) and just decides to turn it into something it is not.  

Ladies we get accused of being the ones who make a big deal out of nothing or have to create such a fuss over a "harmless" comment someone makes, but men too have these characteristics.  I feel that I have worked hard at making "I" statements, accepting my role in arguments and adjusting my temper to fit the crime.  But is it enough? At the end of the day (not all days but some) I feel that I work and work and I still receive the same response?  I get the same undesired result for different approaches?  It doesn't make a woman want to work harder.

To play devils advocate (against myself no less) for the men, we have screamed, yelled, had a bitch fit about some pretty silly things.  We have accused, put our hands on our hips and stared holes through our husbands and boyfriends for years. But the one thing that stays with me when I reflect on this is that perhaps if these men took time to see their part in these "tirades" perhaps they would understand why putting your dirty socks on the table didn't really start the fight, (it is really about your insensitivity to the hard work we put into making the house look nice for you and in that one short bad gesture you have just said to us "hey it doesn't matter, I don't care").

I guess what my post is really about is this....Men take notice if your woman has attempted to change her game.  Pay attention to how hard she tries to not yell, how she is starting to let some of those "silly" things go.  See how hard she is working and stop just falling back on what things used to be like.  Rip up that image you have (see above yelling crazy lady) and give her a chance. One day she may not be there for you to say "hey I see it now" -I mean We loved you enough to rip up this image?